Monday, April 23, 2012

The Mommy Games: Let's Tally Our Points

Lately, it seems there is a lot of arguing about stay-at-home-moms (SAHM) versus working-moms (WM).  I am not even sure why there is a "versus" in the first place but I thought I could help clear some things up.

How about we use a point system to determine how awesome of a mom you are? It won't matter if you're a SAHM, WM, WAHM, WAHPTM, MOM, MAMA, XYZ, PCP... well, you get the idea. That way, if someone questions your prowess as a mother, you can wave your number in their face and say, "See!  I AM an awesome mom.  My score proves it, sucker!"

So, I devised this fool-proof point system based on all my wizened three years of mom knowledge.  (Yes, it is astounding, but let's focus on the issue at hand.)

End All, Be All, Awesome Mom Scoring System

+20   Vaginal Delivery (You just squeezed out a baby.  A baby. From your ladyparts.)
+10   Natural Birth (Pain, schmain. You don't need no stinking epidural!)
-5      Use of Epideral during vaginal delivery (This hurts like a mother. I need some drugs STAT.)
+10   C-section (The doctor cut you open to take out the baby.  Cut you open. Your insides were outside. Holy mackerel!)
+20   Breast Feeding (You are nursing that little one day and night, night and day, every two hours. Your mammeries are for the baby and the baby alone.)
-10    Formula Feeding (You decided to keep your mammeries to yourself and bottle feed the crib midget.)
+10  Keep baby in your room until 6 months (Because your peditrician recommended it, you will keep your baby in your room.  Even though you are a nervous wreck at every little noise baby makes, not to mention the damper it puts on the romance.)
-5    Put baby in own room before 6 months (You are slowly losing your mind.  You forgo wizened pediatrician advice in favor of your sanity.)
+5   Run into baby's room everytime there is the littlest cry (You go, mommy-on-the-spot!)
-5    After 6 months, let baby cry it out at night (You have lost your mind and your ability to function. You are a zombie. That crumb snatcher is on their own from 9pm to 6am.)
+10  Make your own baby food (You don't want any of those awful preservatives or whatever else in your baby's food.  You take the time to make your own.)
-10   Buy baby food (You cannot remember the last time you bathed so there is no way you have time to make baby food.  It is much easier to buy baby food.)
+15  Potty train before age 3 (If they can go into a corner and poop on command, they are ready to potty train.)
-10   Potty train age 3 or after (It's all about survival.  You are doing the best you can. Who cares if they are 2 or 3?)
+20  Kid goes to hoity toity preschool (You know what I'm talking about with all the fanfare and hoity toitiness.)
+10  Kid goes to average joe preschool (You know - in someone's garage.)
+10  Attend all t-ball games and/or dance performances
-5     Do not attend all t-ball games and/or dance performances
+15  Kid speaks more than one language
+5    Kid only speaks English
+15  Kid loves to read (You and your little person cuddle at night time, reading Harry Potter before bed.)
-10   Kid loves video games (You have to scream and make threats to get them to stop playing that crazy Wii.)
+10  Kid makes all A's  (There are kids that don't?)
-10   Kid does not make all A's (What?  They are not perfect?!  Preposterous.)
+20  Kid is on Honor Role (Ha!  Nerds rule the world.)
+10  Kid excels at sports, drama, dancing or cheerleading (Not a nerd, but can get a scholarship in one of these!  Score!)

Finished!  Did you tally up your points?  Ready for the breakdown?

Okay here it is:

If you scored between 0 - 5000, you are a great mom.  Yep, it's true! Sorry, you were looking for something more decisive?

There is no one right way of doing something. What works for one mom may not work for another mom.

If there was an absolute, like say in Physics, then you could be an expert.  Since there is no absolute in parenting, there is no such thing as a "parenting expert" or a "perfect parent".  (Now, I am not talking about "absolute truths", such as child abuse and neglect are wrong in any case.  I am talking about how we care for our kids.)

We are all mothers - beautifully flawed and wonderfully unique.  We are all individuals with our own style.  Why wouldn't our mothering mirror our style?

If you are a mom who loves your kids, takes care of your kids and spends time with your kids, then you are a great mom.  It is as simple as that. 

13 comments:

  1. Very cute article! I love how kids only speaking English gets +5 - I agree, as a teacher it hard to tell if some kids hear actual English at home or not...("I don't go no"... you get the idea - lol!) Oh, and I worry for the PCP mom - ha!

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    1. Thanks Paula! Speaking of English, I try and watch what I say around the kids. I would not want them repeating anything, ahem, colorful if you will. ;)

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  2. I've never been a working-for-pay mom, so I can't pretend to know what it's like. What I do know is that staying at home isn't without guilt, and guilt is often where the judgment comes from. Could I give my kid music lessons or a better school if I went back to work? I certainly couldn't have spent our "quality time" afternoon yelling if I hadn't been home, and why don't those nannies at the park ever look flustered? And am I raising sons who believe that women's work is only in the home? It's endless. The mommy wars might look like they are moms judging each other, but my bet is that most of us are really judging ourselves.

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    1. Sarah, you might be on to something. In general, I think women are so hard on ourselves. I think we should cut ourselves a little slack. Motherhood is hard. And anyone saying it isn't is lying!

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  3. HAHA, Im not a momma, but this post is awesome!!

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    1. Thanks M! Glad I could make you chuckle! ;)

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  4. i love this. i wish it were required reading for every new mom, or every person who ever felt like judging a mom and how she does it!

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    1. Thanks Anna! Motherhood is difficult! Us moms need to build each other up, not tear each other down!

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  5. I almost was gonna say I didn't like this point system very much, even tho I get points for vaginal birth, no epidural (once) and breastfedding). But then the scoring section made it all better. There seems to be a serious movement towards stopping these mommy wars. It's a good thing.

    Visiting your from Saturday Sharefest!

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    1. This post is just poking fun at all of the things that seem to be "hot buttons" for those in the "mommy wars". I am not even sure why they exist in the first place?!
      Thanks for visiting, Jennifer!

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  6. Great post! lol
    I was feeling defeated because I got a lot of negative scores - but then saw the scoring system.
    This was a fun way to look at motherhood AND put things in perspective.

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Thanks for reading and commenting!