Sitting in the car staring out at my front porch, I lean back in the seat wondering how I ended up where I am today.
Both so different. Both amazing in their own ways.
When I look back at the past, I see myself and Sam. Always together. Best friends ever since I can remember. Our families were always together. Birthdays. Holidays. Play dates. Where Sam was, Maddie was.
Sam is my best friend. He and I learned how to ride out bikes together, jump off the diving board together and aced our first calculus test together.
Good. Honest. Respectable. Kind. All words that describe Sam. He is always polite, studying hard and has a plan. He never breaks the rules and he always makes sure to plan ahead.
Only friends until the one day in college where he invited me to his fraternity's senior formal. That night he kissed me and things have been different. This next step in our relationship felt natural. It felt...nice.
Sam makes me feel grounded and stable. And, if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to get my heart broken. I like being in control.
Jake is unexpected. Wild. Stubborn. Passionate. All words that describe Jake.
Jake is someone I used to long for and seeing him now bring back all of those old feelings. When Jake is around, he is all I can see. He invades all of my senses and I get lost in him. He makes me feel reckless and ungrounded. I feel like I don't have control when I am with him and that scares me.
Jake also makes me feel cherished. He looks at me like I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. When he looks at me, I see his passion and that excites me.
Leaning my head down to rest on the steering wheel, I let out a big sigh. I know I am stalling, keeping from going inside to talk to Sam.
Quit being such a chicken, Maddie! Just go inside and talk to Sam. You have to make things right.
But what am I going to say?
Thoughts? On this post? On life in general?
Now, how is the conversation going to go with Sam?