Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Hey Webster! Your Definition Is Wrong



In school, you learn how to spell words and the meanings of those words. You are taught how to use the dictionary to define words. You are told that the definitions will always remain the same.

FALSE.

See, after having kids, your definition of certain words changes. You think you have a good grasp of the English language.

But you would be wrong.

Dressing Up

Before Kids: Doing your hair by blow drying and flat ironing. Putting on your full face of make-up. Taking 20 minutes to find just the right outfit to wear.

After kids: Making sure to put on a bra. Actually brush your hair. And your teeth. Putting on a pair of clean-ish jeans.

Fancy Dinner 

Before Kids: Going to a new trendy restaurant that opened downtown. 7pm reservations. White linen tablecloths. Leisurely enjoy a cocktail and appetizer while considering which entree to order. Finish meal with decadent dessert.

After Kids: Mac-n-cheese at home. Promptly at 5:00pm because the natives get restless. With a glass of wine.

 Tired

Before Kids: Wow! Had a great time out with my friends last night but stayed out too late and had too many glasses of wine. I sure am tired.

After Kids: Up every two hours. Then up every four hours. Then up once a night. Some tiny person wants to crawl in bed with you and sleep with their feet in your spleen. Some tiny person peed the bed. You haven't slept through the night in seven years. Where am I? What is happening?


Coffee 

Before Kids: Maybe I'll have a caramel cappuccino. Oh! Or a white mocha. I just love those fancy coffee drinks!

After Kids:  Must. Have. Coffee. Cofffffeeeee... *Dumps coffee grinds directly into mouth.*

Going To The Bathroom 

Before Kids: I think I'll go to the bathroom.

After Kids: *Goes to the bathroom. Naively locks door. Child or children bang on door repeatedly crying and yelling to get your attention. Next time you open the door thinking this approach is better. You get your kid wanting to climb onto your lap to read you a book. Or a play-by-play commentary on your bathroom uses.*

Date Night

Before Kids: Nice dinner and maybe a movie.  Out with a group of friends for drinks and dancing. Going to show or a concert.

After Kids: When kids are asleep, sitting in bed eating cereal while watching Netflix.

So I don't know about you, but I think a ton of definitions have changed after having kids. I mean I could literally write down at least 50 definitions that are no longer valid right now.

And I would totally write more about it.

But I'm exhausted.