Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Winter Vs. Spring Smackdown

*Alarm goes off. Hits snooze.*

*Alarm goes off again. Stumbles out of bed. Heads downstairs.*

*Turns on coffee maker.*

Jack Frost: Morning!

Me: *Yawns.* Hey.

Jack Frost: Ready for the day?

Me: *Reaches for coffee mug.* Ready as I'll ever be.

Jack Frost: Yeah, I know it can be hard to get yourself going in the winter.

Allergies: *Snort.* Winter?! It's 50 degrees outside.

Me: *Starts. Chokes on coffee.* What are you doing here?

Allergies: What am I doing here? I'm ALWAYS here.

Jack Frost: Yeah. Like a bad rash. You won't go away.

Allergies: You're one to talk, Mr. Nobody Is As Cool As Me.

Jack Frost: Well, they aren't.

Me: *Looks between the two.* Why are you both here?

Allergies: ...

Jack Frost: ...

Me: *Rubs temples.* I mean what are you doing here at the same time?

Jack Frost: It's February. It's traditionally part of winter. Maybe you learned about it kindergarten?

Me: Hilarious.

Jack Frost: I know. I'm a riot.

Me: *Looks to Allergies.* And you?

Allergies: It's 50 degrees.

Me: So?

Allergies: *Eye roll.* 50 degrees is Springtime weather. Time for things to grow and blossom. Maybe you've heard of the four seasons?

Me: But it's February.

Jack Frost: EXACTLY. I could make it snow and freeze anytime I want. Then your precious blooms would be toast.

Allergies: You can try. But I don't scare easily.

Me: *Sips coffee.* That's a good point. Why hasn't it been very cold? What have you been up to, Jack?

Jack Frost: I've been busy.

Me: Doing what?

Allergies: *Crosses arms.* This ought to be good.

Jack Frost: *Rubs back of the neck.* Well, the thing is... around Christmastime I was bored so I signed up for Netflix. I started watching The Walking Dead, then Supernatural. Then, the Easter Bunny told me about Pokemon Go and -

Me: THAT is why we haven't had much of a winter?!

Allergies: *Throws hands up in the air.* Unbelievable. You do not take your job seriously. I, on the other hand, am completely dedicated to the job. I work 24/7.

Jack Frost: Oh please. Get off your high horse. Nobody likes you.

Allergies: You are just jealous because I always win 'Employee of the Month' Award. You don't even work a full year!

Jack Frost: You are just mad because everyone loves me. They love sledding, snow ball fights, building snowmen. Everyone prays for a snow day.

Allergies: Do they also love freezing their as-

Me: Whoa, whoa! Let's all just calm down.

Jack Frost: *Glares at Allergies.*

Allergies: *Glares at Jack Frost.*

Me: *Pinches the bridge of nose.* Listen up, it is too early in the morning to deal with this crap. I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee!

Jack Frost : *Blushes.*

Allergies: *Hangs head.*

Me: Look. Jack, take a break from Netflix. And Pokemon Go. You have a job to do and you need to get to it. You only have a few weeks left, You can do it.

Jack Frost: You're right! I have been slacking on the job. I'm going to get back to it right away.

Me: And Allergies, why don't you take a break? You deserve a vacation! Seriously! When was the last time you took a vacation? You could go to Universal Studios and see Jurassic Park. I know you have a thing for T-Rexes. C'mon. What do you say?

Allergies: I do love me some dinosaurs...

Me: *Claps.* Excellent! Now, get the heck out of my kitchen so I can enjoy my coffee in piece. And if I see you both again at the same time, I'm going to totally Hulk out on you.