Stupid, Stupid Heart

 

“Let’s be reasonable about this,” I argue.

“Screw being reasonable,” Jake says.

“Jake,” I begin.

He takes a step away from me and shoves his hands in his hair. “Woman, you are so infuriating! Why do you have to keep pushing me away?!” Jake yells.

I am staring at him stunned. He’s never yelled at me before. Well, the man has a point. I do keep trying to push him away. Why do I keep doing that? Do I think I don’t deserve him? Do I think Sam is safer?

Finally, finding my voice, I state, “Jake, I am with Sam. I love Sam.”

Giving me a wicked grin, he demands, “That’s what you keep saying, Maddie. Yet, you end up with ME, kissing ME, wrapped around ME. Why is that, Maddie?!”

“You are so arrogant!” I scream, stomping my foot as to prove my point.

“You are so stubborn!” he yells back.

We stand there staring at each other, both of us breathing heavily as we try to reign in our tempers. Both of us standing face to face, hands balled into fists at our side. We stand there for what seems like an eternity.

I am angry. So angry. When I get angry, I end up crying. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. A single tear slips down my cheek.

Jake sees the tear escape and his gaze softens. He reaches out a hand, then drops it, puts both hands in his pockets as if to keep from touching me.

“Maddie, I want you,” he says. He laughs but there is no humor in it. “I’ve wanted you since that first day of ninth grade when you wore that purple sundress. And I think you know that.”

Jake continues, gesturing between us. “But I can’t do this. You keep fighting me. I want to do lots of things with you but fighting isn’t one of them. I don’t want to fight you, Maddie.”

My mouth feels like it’s stuffed with cotton. I try and find my voice but fail.

“And I sure as hell don’t want to be anyone’s second choice,” he declares.

Jake takes three quick strides towards me. He places his hands on each side of my face, bends down and gives me a whisper of a kiss. He looks at me for a heartbeat, then turns on his heel and leaves without another word.

Now he’s gone. He and I don’t make sense anyway. But now I can be with Sam without any distractions from Jake. Even though, Jake is a pretty awesome distraction. Okay. Good.

But why does my heart feel like it’s broken into a million pieces? Stupid, stupid heart. So stupid.

Don't you just want to shake Maddie?! Don't you want to scream, "Take a chance! What are you waiting for?!"

*Sigh.*

At least that's how I feel. 

New here, check out the first post with Jake and Maddie with "I Choose You".

Okay, what's next.... 

Screw Being Reasonable

Throwing my hands in the air, I state, “Be serious!”

He closes the distance fast. Jake is standing so close to me that I can feel his breath on my face.

He says, “Baby, when it comes to you and me, I’ve never been more serious.”

I’m having a hard time thinking straight when he is close. So close. And the way he’s staring at me. Correction. Staring at my lips.

I place my hand on his chest and close my eyes to steady myself. But now I’m touching him. My hand is flat on his chest. I can feel his steady heartbeat underneath. This feels very intimate. Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best idea to try to clear my head.

Opening my eyes, I meet Jake’s stare head on. “Is what Sam said true? Were you really with all of those girls?” I blurt.

He turns away from me and runs his hands through his hair. His hair is now poking out at all angles. Speaking with his back to me, he says, “Yes, it’s true. I was with a lot of girls in high school. And those few years I was at college, there was a lot of women there too. But, I don’t think I can give you an exact number.”

Okay, at first I was starting to feel bad about opening my mouth, but now. Now, I want to kick him between his legs. Now. He’s just being mean.

I say, “Wow. Okay.”

He turns to look at me. Something flashes before his eyes but it’s gone before I can name it.

“Can you blame me for asking? I mean, really?” I accuse.

Continuing, I state, “Is that what I am to you?”

He stands there staring at me. His mouth opens then closes shut, like he wants to say something but is unsure of what.

Spinning on my heel, I say, “Forget it. Forget I asked.” I start stomping off towards my car, muttering under my breath as I go.

I am SUCH an idiot! Thinking he meant all of those things he said to me. Thinking he really cares for me. Making out with him when I’m with Sam.

Jake runs in front of me and puts his hands up in the air, palms facing me. I pull up short. He starts walking cautiously towards me as if he were approaching a scared animal.

“Maddie, when I saw you at The Mill, I felt like I was back in high school. I felt like here I was this average guy who had no chance with the brilliant, beautiful girl in school. But then, you started talking to me. And we started hanging out. And I thought, well, I thought maybe I had a chance. When I kissed you for the first time and you kissed me back, I knew I had to go after what I want. What I have wanted for a long time. You, Maddie.”

Jake is now standing in front of me; the toes of our shoes are touching. Upon listening to his entire speech, I have kept my head down looking at the ground as if it holds all the answers. He puts his fingers on my chin and tilts my head up.

Jake sighs. “I haven’t been with anyone since you have been back in town, Maddie. I haven’t wanted to be with anyone. Anyone except you.”

Swallowing nervously, I stammer, “You think I’m brilliant?”

He shakes his head. Tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear, Jake says, “After all of that, this is what you get from it?”

Looking into those chocolate brown eyes, I feel like I could get lost in those eyes. I feel like taking off his shirt and running my hands over his stomach. I feel like I want to do lots of naughty -. Get a grip, Maddie!

“Maddie,” Jake whispers, “what about me?”

He words swim through my daydream haze and my heart realizes what he is asking before my brain does. Before my brain can protest, I answer, “Jake, I care about you. I care about you a lot.”

Jake explains, “Maddie, you care about saving the whales or saving the planet.” Reaching out he places his hand over my heart, he says, “I want to know how you really feel about me.”

“Jake,” I start. “I’ve been back home for two months. We have spent a lot of time together during those two months and it’s been great - really great. I believe I have gotten to know a side of you that other people don’t see. And that thrills me. I’ve told you things that I have never shared with anyone. And, you already know it, but I’ll say it anyway, I am attracted to you - really attracted to you. But, it’s only been two months! We were just acquaintances in high school.”

Now, he’s smirking at me, giving me that damn, sexy lopsided grin. He thinks this is entertaining, does he?! Now, I REALLY want to kick him.

“Let’s be reasonable about this,” I argue.

“Screw being reasonable,” Jake says.

Ways To Instantly Feel Better About Yourself

 

Ever have those days where you feel confident? 

Where you think to yourself, "Yes, I am wearing these jeans and I look hawt!"? Look at those people in the grocery checking me out as I stroll through the produce section. That cashier at the bookstore was totally trying to eyeball my backside. And my significant other could not stop groping me today because I looked so fine.

That is awesome!! You SHOULD have days where you feel good about yourself and you feel like you look good. Those days where your confidence gets a boost.

I have those days most of the time. You know with my elaborate beauty routine and my sophisticated wardrobe.

But on the off chance I am having a bad day, it can make you feel like crap. One of those days when you wake up with bags under your eyes the size of Kim Kardashian's luggage. Or you happen to steal a glance in the mirror and think, "I think I feel off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down". Or those days when you try on your "fail safe always makes you look good item" and feel like Fatty McFat Pants.

Pity party of one!

Never fear, my dear readers! I have some fail safe ways to instantly boost your self-esteem and make you feel better about yourself.

(NOTE: I am not a self-help guru. I just play one on my blog.)

So without further ado, I give you "Ways To Instantly Feel Better About Yourself".

1. DO NOT LOOK IN ANY SHINY SURFACES AFTER LEAVING THE HOUSE. Now, this obviously applies to mirrors because all mirrors outside of your home are tainted with evil. They will make you appear misshapen, or over-exaggerate the size of your pores or highlight a pimple you did not know you had. This also goes for any shiny surface you come across. A window at the department store? Look away! Picking up your silver spoon to stir your coffee? Don't even think about it! The mirrors in your home are your friends. They make you feel beautiful. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LOOK INTO OTHER MIRRORS OR SHINY SURFACES. Trust me. No good can come of it.

2. NEVER EVER TRY ON BATHING SUITS. But Michelle, you say, it IS summertime and people go to the pool/beach during the summer. Yes, what you say is true. People do like to get in bodies of water occasionally in the summertime. Think about the whole "finding a bathing suit experience". You have to strip down to your skivvies in the horrible harsh store lighting in front of three ginormous mirrors highlighting every flaw. Yeah. I think I'll pass. Um, Michelle, you say, bathing suits are what people wear to swim in. But you don't have to wear a bathing suit! You can wear a tank top with shorts. This is almost like a bathing suit, but it's not (which is the key point here). Or you could wear a cute dress. Or, hey, a mumu! If you feel like you absolutely, postively, must wear a bathing suit. Go find the cutest cover-up you can, put it over last years bathing suit and NEVER TAKE IT OFF. You're welcome.

3. WEAR BIG SUNGLASSES. Now, this may seem like a no-brainer but I feel I have to mention it for posterity's sake. Think about the celebrities you see in pictures. They are all striding away purposely wearing big sunglasses. So, you put on your favorite pair of sunglasses and keep them on the whole day. Never taking them off. People will glance at you in the bookstore or at Target wondering, "Who is that lady? Do I know her? I think she's famous." Dark sunglasses - BOOM - instant intrigue and mystery. (Plus it covers up those bags under your eyes AND you don't have to wear eye make-up.) I know. I'm your hero.

4. ONLY HANG OUT WITH THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. (This is actually something we should all do everyday because who needs people in their lives that make you feel like crap but that's a post for another day.) It never fails to lift my spirits when someone I love gives me a genuine compliment or simply give me a hug and tells me they love me. If you are truly having a bad day, tell these people who love you. They will make you feel a whole heck of a lot better about yourself. Because it's hard to feel bad when you know there are people who love you and think your awesome just the way you are.

So folks, those are a few of my ways to instantly feel better about yourself.

And just remember:

You're good enough.
You're smart enough.
And dogonnit, people like you!
        - Stuart Smiley

 

Be Serious

Sam grabs my hand and places it over his heart. He is looking at me with so much love in those blue eyes. Sam whispers, “This, Maddie. This is where you are. It’s you, Maddie. It’s always been you.”

I almost look away. It’s so much. Too much. A tear slips out and makes its way down my face. Sam tenderly leans in and kisses me. I kiss him back.

Sam pulls back and places his forehead against mine. His eyes are closed, and knowing Sam, this means he is trying to think about what happens next. Sam always wants to try to plan for every contingency. Except, I'm not exactly sure how he could have prepared for this.

Taking a deep breath, he lifts his head and says, "Let's get out of here."

I reply, "Sure, Sam. My house?"

Opening the passenger door, he turns to look at me. "Alright." He manages to give me a small smile. Sweeping his arm, he says, "Your chariot awaits, Maddie."

"Sam, I drove here myself. I'll meet you back there." I say.

Immediately, Sam stiffens. He looks past me to the barn. Through gritted teeth, he says, "You are going to see Jake."

This makes me angry. He doesn't trust me. Well, can you blame him?
  

Shaking my head, I state, "Sam, I need to talk to Jake too. I need to set the record straight. I won't be long." Exactly what is it you are setting straight, Maddie? That you enjoyed making out with him or that it won't happen again?

Slamming his truck door, he mutters, "Fine. See you at the house." Without another look at me, he jumps in his truck, revs the engine and takes off.

Awesome. Totally awesome.

Sighing, I throw my shoulders back and head back towards the barn. This is not going to be a pleasant conversation. Maybe we don't have to talk? Geez-O-Pete! When did I become such a horn dog?! I have got to get a grip.

Turns out, I didn't have to walk as far as I thought because, as I round the corner of the barn, I run smack into Jake's chest. I wobble a bit but Jake puts his hands on my hips to steady me. My pulse spikes immediately.

Gritting my teeth, I step back out of his grip, putting a few feet between us.

I start, "Jake, I'm sorry about what happened."

Crossing his arms and cocking his head to the side, Jake responds, "You are sorry that you kissed me, again I might add, or you are sorry that Sam caught us?"

My cheeks flush remembering our kiss. Remembering our other kisses and other things too. "You know what I mean, Jake." I snap.

His eyes flash and I know immediately he's angry. Well, I'm angry too! "No, Maddie. I do not, in fact, 'know what you mean'."

Angrily, I state, "Jake, I am dating Sam. It is not right - us. We shouldn't be doing this."

Jake replies, "Maddie, I am sorry too. Sam is my friend and I don't make it a habit of hurting my friends."

I say, "Good. Then we are in agreement."

No more kissing. No more intimate little moments. No more Jake. This is what I wanted, right? Then why do I feel sick to my stomach?

I turn to head to my car but Jake's hand snakes out, grabbing my wrist.

Turning around, I say, “Jake, it was a mistake.”

He looks at me like I just kicked his puppy.

Exasperated, I snatch my wrist away and say, “We can’t just make-out like teenagers every time we feel like it just because our loins are on fire!”

Immediately, that lopsided grin appears with that dimple - that sexy as hell dimple. I bet a lot of girls have dropped their panties over that dimple.

Smiling at me like a predator stalking his prey, he says, “Your loins are on fire for me?”

“You’re an ass,” I quip.

Shrugging his shoulders, he replies, “That may be. But you just said I make you hot.”

Throwing my hands in the air, I state, “Be serious!”

He closes the distance fast. Jake is standing so close to me that I can feel his breath on my face.

He says, “Baby, when it comes to you and me, I’ve never been more serious.”

Squeee! I am so liking the interplay between Jake and Maddie. Sam is so sweet while Jake is a bit rough around the edges. What's next?! I wonder....

New to this rodeo! Check out the first segment of Jake and Maddie here. 

Like Attracts Like

Taking a deep breath, I mutter, “If you want to me angry with someone, be angry with me.”

Both boys look at me. One set of blue eyes and one set of chocolate brown. 

Sighing, I drop my hand from Jake's chest and reach for Sam’s hand. “Come on, Sam. We need to talk.”

Sam tears his scowling face from Jake to look at our hands intertwined. I see his face soften. “Right. Let’s go, Maddie.”

He turns and leads me away towards the front of the barn. Before Sam notices, I glance quickly behind me at Jake. He has his hands balled into fists at his side but the look he gives me makes my heart break in two. I try to convey with my eyes that I'll talk to him later. I attempt a weak smile that comes out as a grimace.

One thing at a time. Talk to Sam now and deal with Jake later. Way to make a giant mess, Maddie.

Turning my head back around, I discover Sam has parked his truck by the picnic tables and that’s where we are headed. His grip tightens on my hand. He reaches into his pocket to get out his car keys.

“Sam,” I say.

He busies himself with unlocking the truck and opening the passenger door. I can fell the frustration coming off him in waves.

“Sam.” I say louder this time, pulling my arm to get his attention.

Sam pauses. He looks at me.

Clearing my throat, I gather my nerve. “Sam, what happened back there with Jake – it was a mistake. I’m so sorry, Sam.”

Sam laughs but there is no humor in it. “Maddie, it did not look like a mistake from where I was standing.” Shaking his head, he continues. “I knew this would happen. That first night we were back here at The Mill, the way Jake was looking at you, I thought he would try something like this.”

“We were both at fault here, Sam. He kissed me but I kissed him back.”

Placing both hands on either side of my face, Sam leans in close. “Maddie, Jake can only cause you heartache. You know that, right?”

Instinctively, I try to shake my head no but Sam’s hands are holding my face.

Sam states, “We have been best friends for as long as I can remember. We have always supported each other and been there for each other. I don’t think it surprised anyone when we started dating. We are just the same, Maddie. Like calls to like. You and me, Maddie, we make sense.”

Turning my face to kiss his palm, I state, “It’s hard for me to remember a time went you weren’t there. You mean so much to me.”

He grabs my hand and places it over his heart. He is looking at me with so much love in those blue eyes. Sam whispers, “This, Maddie. This is where you are. It’s you, Maddie. It’s always been you.”

I almost look away. It’s so much. Too much. A tear slips out and makes its way down my face. Sam tenderly leans in and kisses me. I kiss him back.

Sam. My Sam. My sweet, good, by-the-book Sam. It’s comfortable with Sam. Like my favorite pair of jeans. Sam’s always been there. I cannot imagine Sam not being there.

But it doesn’t set me on fire. One touch. Hell, one look from Jake. And my body lights up with heat. I can’t deny being with him is exciting and we definitely have chemistry together.

But being to close to fire gets you burned, right?

You guys are kind of digging Sam now, right? *Sigh.* I think Sam is sort of dreamy also. Sam on one hand and Jake on the other. What's a girl to do?!

P.S. Since it is summer and I am super busy (like running through the Spiderman sprinkler, having picnics at the park and going to the zoo), I will most likely only be posting once a week. I so enjoy writing but there are other things more important right now. But fear not! When I do post something, it will be totally awesome. You know that, right?

P.P.S. Previously, I mentioned I would start a page for Jake and Maddie. I did not forget! It's on my list of things to do. 

P.P.P.S. If you are new to Jake and Maddie's story, you can start with the first post, I Choose You.

OXOX Michelle