Tuesday, March 12, 2013

How To Survive The Baby Apocalypse

It will come without warning.

It may happen in the middle of the night.

Or early in the morning.

Or mid-afternoon.

Or after 37 hours of labor only to have a c-section. *Ahem.*

The point is the Baby Apocalypse can be upon you in the blink of an eye. (Okay, actually you have nine months to prepare for it. But just work with me, people!)

Once the Baby Apocalypse arrives, you will be in a full-blown panic. You will be nervous. You will be scared. You will have trouble thinking straight in midst of all the chaos.


Here are some helpful rules on how to survive the Baby Apocalypse.

  1. Blend in. You see, you will be sleep deprived and exhausted. You will have a hard time remembering if you brushed your teeth or put on deodorant. You may put on your pants but forget your underwear or button your shirt with the wrong buttons. You will be so tired that looking nice will be the least of concerns so you will end up looking disheveled, shuffling from room to room. This one is easy.
  2. Be quick. You never know when they are coming for you. Or when they will be calling for you. So you need to be quick. Eat as quickly as you can. Pee as quickly as you can. Shower as quickly as you can. Clip your toenails as quickly as you can. Speed is your constant companion. You DO NOT want to be caught unaware. Channel your inner Flo Jo.
  3. Practice stealth. If by some reason, you find yourself in the same room as a baby who is otherwise occupied, such as happily playing by themselves or appears to be sleeping, DO NOT let them see or hear you. You have to be light on your feet and as soundless as a ghost. You are speed. You are air. You are stealth. Think Tom Cruise a la Mission Impossible.
  4. Be prepared. When you have to face down these babies, you will need to make sure you are prepared. If you do not have diapers, formula, chocolate milk, Cheerios, chicken nuggets, Hot Wheels, their blankie or episodes of Caillou at the ready, be prepared for a full scale meltdown. We are talking full lock down, code red, def con Level 5 alert. THIS my friends is not pretty. Make sure to have your supplies on hand at all times. Stock up in advance. Heck, put them in every room. 
  5. Show no fear. If you show the slightest bit of fear, they will pounce on it. It's their predatory instinct. They can smell fear like a fat kid can smell cake. So take that fear and rise above it! Or just shove down, way way down, where no one can sense it. Trust me on this.
Take heed, my friends.

These rules may save your life one day. (Okay, that is not really true. But it could be helpful. Plus, it sounds good. Very dramatic.)

Godspeed, people. Godspeed.

1 comment:

Thanks for reading and commenting!