I don't watch the news. I know bad things happen. I don't need a daily reminder of it.
I see snippets of what is going on in my community on online new sites and I listen to talk radio so I know what is happening in my community.
Wanna know how I can stand to read all sorts of stories about vampires, werewolves and zombies? Because to me, real life is way scarier than fiction.
This whole Steubenville rape has been weighing on me. It has made my heart heavy.
My heart breaks for the victim, for her parents, for the community and everyone involved.
Recently, I read that the victim had received death threats online and people have been saying she deserved it.
Why were these kids not reigned in before this? Why are people blaming the victim? How does it get to this point?
As a parent of two boys, I want to teach them how to respect women. I want them to respect themselves. I want them to respect others. I want them to do the right thing. I want them to be compassionate people who try to help those when they need it.
But how do I do it? These kids don't come with instruction manuals. (If they do and someone forgot to give me one as I was leaving the hospital after delivery, I will be SO hacked off.)
Heaven knows I am far from perfect. (Whew! I know that was a lot to take in. Do you need a minute?) I can be anxious, impatient and often am thinking of what to say next instead of listening.
There will be so many unplanned
obstacles in their lives. They will be influenced by their friends, the
media and a variety of other sources. There will be times when they will
be filled with uncertainty as to which is the right choice to make.
What's a parent to do?
Well, I'm not sure.
But, I'll tell you what I am sure of. I am sure that I love my boys more than anything in this world. I am sure that I will remind them daily of how much I love them and how proud I am of them. I am going to teach them values that will help shape them into God loving, compassionate, kind, honest, intelligent, hardworking men.
I will take an active role in my kids lives. I will be a constant, dependable presence in their lives. I will be be available when they have questions or doubts. I will be there for a cuddle or a hug when they have hurts or uncertainties. I will make sure we have an open line of communication and reassure them that they can talk to me about anything.
Pastor Rick Warren said, “You can impress people from a distance, but you can only impact them from up close!”
So, while I am not one hundred percent sure, I feel pretty good about it. I am going to take it one day at a time. I am going to be there for my kids - UP CLOSE.
Hmm, let's see. Looks like I'll need some flour, butter, sugar, sour cream, bananas and walnuts. Maybe some vanilla, baking soda and baking powder. Where did I put that large bowl?
I hear a knock at the front door. The door opens, followed by someone walking back toward the kitchen.
I know those familiar footsteps all too well. They have entered this kitchen more times than I can count.
"Maddie. Maddie! Where are you?" a voice calls out to me.
Using my wrist to push back my hair, I answer, "In the kitchen!" as she enters the doorway.
"Hey Molly." I say. "What's up?"
Molly surveys the kitchen, taking in all of the baking supplies and the cupcakes. Leaning her hip against the island, she says, "Maybe I should ask you the same thing." Arching her eyebrow and crossing her arms, she says, "But I think I already know the answer to that."
Finding the bowl I needed on top of refridgerator, I reach up to grab it. Turning around, I reply, "I just wanted to make some cupcakes."
Molly isn't buying it. "Cupcakes, uh huh." she says. "A normal person makes one type of cupcakes. You have two different kinds of cupcakes, two dozen each. And if I'm not mistaken," she says leaning over to look at the counter, "you are making another batch."
Adding the ingredients to the bowl, I answer, "Okay, fine. I'm baking. And yes, I bake when I'm upset. But you already know that, don't you, Mols?" I throw her a pointed look over my shoulder.
She chuckles and reaches for a cupcake. Swiping the icing from the top with her finger, she inquires, "So what kind do we have today?"
Turning around to Molly, I place the bowl on the island counter. Pointing, I say, "Those are red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing. You have a salted caramel cupcake with caramel butter cream. And, I'm making some banana cupcakes with molasses icing."
After taking a bite out of her cupcake, Molly says, "I am so glad you are my best friend. Seriously."
Laughing, I say, "Uh huh. You just love me for my cupcakes."
I finish pouring the first batch of cupcakes, put them in the oven and set the timer. I hop up on one of the kitchen stools beside Molly and grab a salted caramel cupcake for myself.
Looking at me like a scientist looking at a specimen under the microscope, she asks, "So?"
With a mouth full of cupcake, I reply, "So what?"
Molly swats my shoulder with her hand. "So what?! You know what! Why all this?" she asks gesturing grandly to the kitchen. "What has you worked up, Maddie?"
Sighing, I answer, "It's a long story."
Without missing a beat, Molly says, "Does it involve Jake and Sam?"
Almost choking on a mouth full of cupcake, I grab a bottle of water and take a few gulps. After I am somewhat composed, I say, "Molly! How in the world did you know that?"
She gives me a look that says "Are you kidding me?" Molly says, "Well, you have had a crush on him since freshman year of high school and he has always had the hots for you. I figured when you two saw each other again that it might get interesting." She grins a big Cheshire cat grin.
"Okay, Molly. Yes, I did have a crush on him in high school but that was a long time ago. And I find it hard to believe he has been pining away for me for all these years."
Molly makes a clicking noise with her tongue. "Maddie, you don't believe anyone would have the hots for you. But trust me, he liked you. But Jake thought you were out of his league."
"Molly, how exactly do you know that?" I have a knot in my stomach. Because even as the question leaves my mouth, I think I already know the answer.
"Look Maddie, Jake, Quinn, Michael and I have become good friends. We hang out a lot. The night before you were due home, we were hanging out at The Mill. I had a sneaking suspicion so I asked Jake about it." Molly states.
"You what?!" I blurt out.
Laughing, Molly says, "Relax Maddie. It wasn't a big deal. I mentioned you were coming home and immediately he perked up. I had a feeling about it so I asked him. Jake said he had wanted to ask you out since the fifth grade but felt you were out of his league. So I felt it was my duty to enlighten him that you have been hoping to jump his bones for about the same amount of time."
Groaning, I put my head in my hands. Cheese and biscuits! I am mortified. So embarrassed. But, I have to hand it to her. It DID get results.
Lifting my head up, I look at Molly. "Oh Molly! I wish I'd have known."
Shrugging, Molly asks, "Why? It got you results didn't it? Have you two shagged yet or what?!"
Feeling my face turn bright red, I say, "Molly! You are killing me! Of course, we have not shagged. Jeez O Pete!"
Molly looks smug and says, "So? Give me the juicy details. Because that boy is yummy. I'd like to put him on a plate and sop him up with a biscuit. Mmmm."
Laughing, I say, "Oh Mols." But because she is my best friend and because I have thought about it probably about a million times, I continue, "Yes, Jake is yummy. We have had a few make out sessions. And I'm not gonna lie, it was exactly as I thought it would be. Perfect."
Molly says, "So what's the problem?"
Incredulous, I say, "Molly, what do you mean what's the problem? The problem is Sam."
Molly waves her hand in the air, dismissing the issue. "Maddie, Sam is a good guy. You two have been friends for forever so naturally you would get together eventually. But Jake, well, he has been the one you have been dreaming of for a long time."
"I don't think it's that simple. I really care about Sam. He is a good guy, in fact, the best. I enjoy spending time with him and we have a lot in common." I respond.
Raising an eyebrow, Molly says, "But does seeing him make your heart race? When he kisses you, do you feel like you have melted into Jello? Does he make your heart smile?"
Answering honestly, I say, "Okay, I do feel that way when I'm with Jake. But we haven't really spoken much over the past several years until the last two weeks. It doesn't make sense. It's crazy! And as for Sam, we are a lot like. We make sense. Sam and I make sense."
Molly winks at me and replies, "Who wants to make sense anyway? The crazies have all the fun."
For another part of the puzzle, here's a piece with Maddie and her best friend, Molly. Hope you are enjoying reading it as much I as enjoy writing it!
"Damn it, Maddie!" Jake exclaims as he gets up from the window seat. He starts pacing the room, running a hand through his hair.
I can feel the frustration coming off of him in waves. I know I have upset him. Heck! I'm upset myself. Why do I keep putting myself in these situations?!
Jake stops pacing and turns to look at me. "Is this because of Sam?" he asks.
Is it because of Sam? Yes? I think that is a big part of it.
"Yes and no." I answer.
Jake laughs bitterly and says, "Maddie, it is either yes or no. It's really quite simple."
Feeling a sudden flare of anger myself, I say, "No, Jake. It isn't that simple." I cross my arms and glare at him across the room.
Heaving a big sigh, Jake rakes a hand down his face and says, "Maddie, are you with Sam?"
"Look, senior year of college, I needed a date for homecoming and we went together. We've been together ever since." I answer.
"That's it?" Jake questions.
Throwing my hands up in the air, I say, "What do you mean that's it?!"
Jake says, "Sounds like it's a matter of convenience to me."
Who does he think he is?! "A matter of convenience?!" I say, raising my voice. "What do you know about it?!"
Quick as a cat, Jake stalks towards me, ticking off the reasons on his fingers. "I ask you if you are with Sam. You give me a half-hearted answer. You explain your relationship in two sentences. You keep spending time with me. You keep making out with me. Am I saying anything that isn't true?"
My face flushes and I am angry. Angry at Jake. Angry at myself. What are you doing, Maddie? Not using my head obviously.
Suddenly, I realize I am backed up against the bookcase with Jake in front of me. He's only a few feet in front of me now. Why is is hard to think when he's so close to me?
He says, "Tell me why you are with him."
"What?!" I sputter. "I don't have to explain myself to you!" But as the words leave my mouth, I am wondering the same thing.
Spreading his hands wide, he says, "Help me understand."
"Fine!" I snap. "Sam is a good guy. He follows the rules and he is focused. Sam is dependable, loyal and honest."
Looking me in the eye, Jake says, "You are with him because he's safe."
As I get ready to reply, the words die in my throat and my mouth hangs open. That isn't true. I care about Sam. I enjoy being with him. That's not true. Is it?
Jake continues, "Maddie, I'm not going to hurt you." He reaches for my hand, "I know you enjoy being with me and I enjoy spending time with you. I can see how happy you are when we are together. I like making you happy." He pauses. "I want you and I know you want me to."
"Jake, this is crazy! We knew each other in high school. We run into each other four years later and we are just going to start going at it like rabbits!" I say, gesturing wildly with my other hand.
He drops my hand and takes a step back. "Is that what you think this is?" Jake asks, his voice low. I can see the hurt on his face.
I have hurt him. I feel awful. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Suddenly, the urge to go to him and put my arms around him is overwhelming. I want to take his pain away. I want to see that lopsided grin again. I wrap my arms around my waist to keep me from going over there.
Shaking his head, he says, "Why would I remember all of those things about you, Maddie? Why would I beat myself up for not kissing you in the library all those years ago? Why would I be the happiest I've ever been in a long time knowing I was going to see you at The Mill? Why does it feel like coming home whenever I'm with you?"
Good night, I am an idiot! I think he cares about me. But is it possible feels the same way? But this is crazy! Isn't it?!
"Jake." I begin, reaching my hand out towards him.
But, he cuts me off. Turning on his heel, he says, "I'm going outside for a walk. I need some air."
Sinking down in one of the arm chairs, I watch him go. I put my head in my hands. What do I do now?
Oh, it's getting good! I'm giddy with excitement to see where Jake and Maddie go from here, not to mention Sam. Let's see...
Walking down the hall behind Jake, I wonder where he is leading me. I'm curious as to what he considers the best part of the lodge.
Gesturing with his right hand, he says, "These first two rooms are Michael and Quinn's rooms. Across the hall is the bathroom."
Bypassing by the guys' bedrooms, I steal a quick glance inside the bathroom. "This is has got to be the largest bathroom I have ever seen. I like the claw foot tub. It's gorgeous!"
Chuckling, Jake says, "Women and their bathtubs."
As I follow him out of the bathroom, Jake inclines his head to the left, "Here's my room." His door is ajar and he pushes it open the rest of the way.
Quickly, poking my head inside, I take a look around. There's a large desk against the back wall holding a computer. I see a large wood fireplace with an old wooden mantle to the right of the room. Directly across from the fireplace, is a huge, king size for post bed. Covers and pillows are strewn everywhere. I can feel myself blushing. For crying out loud! Get your mind out of the gutter, Maddie.
Crossing my arms, I say, "Really? Does that line really work? Telling the ladies you'll show them "the best part", then taking them to your room." How gulliable can a person be?!
Scratching his chin and feigning confusion, he says, "It didn't work? Hmm. Most women fall for it."
"You are so hilarious. Maybe you should take your act on the road." I retort.
Chuckling, he says, "Maddie, I'm teasing you. You are the first person outside of Michael, Quinn and my family that have seen the place." Wow. I'm the only girl he's ever had here. My insides feel warm and fuzzy.
Jake points to the room at the end of the hallway. "That's the best part." he says. He turns his head to look at me and nudges me with his shoulder. "Go on. You know you want to see what's behind that door." He's smiling at me, smug. Okay, let's see what's so special about this room.
Stepping around Jake, I head to the end of the hall and open the door. Of all the things I thought I'd find, this is the least likely.
It's a library. A huge, beautiful library with books lining the walls from floor to ceiling. There's a rolling ladder for each wall of books. On the right side, there is a wood fireplace flanked by sweeping bookcases. There are two armchairs and a couch in the middle of the room in front of the fireplace.
But, the back wall is what holds my attention. There's a beautiful bay window that reaches up two stories with a window seat.
"Oh Jake." I breathe. "This is beautiful." I walk over and run my hand over the seat cushion. Leaning against the window frame, I gaze out the window at all of the trees and greenery. I can just imagine sitting here with a good book.
"I told you this was the best part." he says. He startles me as I did not hear him come up behind me.
"It totally is. Do you spend a lot of time here?" I ask.
Jake sits down beside me and turns his head to look out the window. "After my dad passed away, I decided I needed a purpose. A reason to get up and get out of bed every morning. So I bought this place. It started out as a chore but now I really love it."
Reaching over, I take his hand in mine. "Jake." I say quietly. "I'm sorry about your dad. I can't imagine how that must feel. I'm glad you have this place."
Looking down at our two entwined hands, he says, "Thanks Maddie." He starts to rub small circles with his thumb over the top of my hand. "You know. I remember that day, Maddie." Jake whispers. Okay, now this is starting to feel different.
I decide to take the obvious route. "Jake, what do you remember?" I quip. "That I tutored you in the library for American Civics one afternoon after school? Yeah. That was really memorable." Good job, Maddie. That was exactly what happened. Stick to the facts.
Glancing up at me through those long lashes, Jake says, "Yes, Maddie. You did tutor me in American Civics that afternoon. But I remember that if Quinn hadn't interrupted us, we would have ended up sharing our first kiss."
My mouth is dry and my heart rate starts to speed up. Whew boy. He went there.
"Jake, how could you know that?" I question. Yeah, play dumb. Because that has worked SO well in the past.
Suddenly, Jake springs up and stalks towards me. I back up but I run into the bookcases. There is no place for me to go.
Jake says, "I know Maddie because we were standing the same way we are standing now."
"Jake." I whisper. Isn't this what I've wanted for a long time?
Jake places both hands on my hips and says, "I've wanted you for a long time, Maddie." Cheese and biscuits! Thank goodness I am leaning against this bookcase and his hands are on my hips or I would be a big, gooey pile on the floor.
Leaning down, he trails small kisses along my collar bone, my neck, then my jaw. He nuzzles my neck and quietly says, "I feel how your body reacts to me, Maddie. You want me to." And, the floor drops out.
Pulling back to look at me, he gives me that lopsided grin and says, "I'm really glad you're here."
And with that, he leans down and his mouth finds mine. I melt into him as realize this is what I wanted to happen. This is really the whole reason I got on that bike. I was hoping I would get to have another crazy make-out session with Jake. Or maybe more. Geez! When did I turn into such a horn dog?!
My arms go around his neck and my hands run though his hair. Jake gives a small moan as he picks me up and carries me to the window seat. He sits down with me straddling him.
I decide to return the favor and begin kissing his neck, then jawline. His hands go under my shirt and find the small of my back. He presses me to him.
Maddie? Hello Maddie? Earth to Maddie! What are you doing? What about Sam?
I untangle myself from Jake and stand up, albeit reluctantly.
"Maddie?" Jake asks. I can see the question in his eyes.
"I can't do this." I say.
Here's another longer entry with Jake and Maddie. Let's see where it takes us...
It will come without warning.
It may happen in the middle of the night.
Or early in the morning.
Or mid-afternoon.
Or after 37 hours of labor only to have a c-section. *Ahem.*
The point is the Baby Apocalypse can be upon you in the blink of an eye. (Okay, actually you have nine months to prepare for it. But just work with me, people!)
Once the Baby Apocalypse arrives, you will be in a full-blown panic. You will be nervous. You will be scared. You will have trouble thinking straight in midst of all the chaos.
FEAR NOT!
Here are some helpful rules on how to survive the Baby Apocalypse.
- Blend in. You see, you will be sleep deprived and exhausted. You will have a hard time remembering if you brushed your teeth or put on deodorant. You may put on your pants but forget your underwear or button your shirt with the wrong buttons. You will be so tired that looking nice will be the least of concerns so you will end up looking disheveled, shuffling from room to room. This one is easy.
- Be quick. You never know when they are coming for you. Or when they will be calling for you. So you need to be quick. Eat as quickly as you can. Pee as quickly as you can. Shower as quickly as you can. Clip your toenails as quickly as you can. Speed is your constant companion. You DO NOT want to be caught unaware. Channel your inner Flo Jo.
- Practice stealth. If by some reason, you find yourself in the same room as a baby who is otherwise occupied, such as happily playing by themselves or appears to be sleeping, DO NOT let them see or hear you. You have to be light on your feet and as soundless as a ghost. You are speed. You are air. You are stealth. Think Tom Cruise a la Mission Impossible.
- Be prepared. When you have to face down these babies, you will need to make sure you are prepared. If you do not have diapers, formula, chocolate milk, Cheerios, chicken nuggets, Hot Wheels, their blankie or episodes of Caillou at the ready, be prepared for a full scale meltdown. We are talking full lock down, code red, def con Level 5 alert. THIS my friends is not pretty. Make sure to have your supplies on hand at all times. Stock up in advance. Heck, put them in every room.
- Show no fear. If you show the slightest bit of fear, they will pounce on it. It's their predatory instinct. They can smell fear like a fat kid can smell cake. So take that fear and rise above it! Or just shove down, way way down, where no one can sense it. Trust me on this.
Take heed, my friends.
These rules may save your life one day. (Okay, that is not really true. But it could be helpful. Plus, it sounds good. Very dramatic.)
Godspeed, people. Godspeed.
I have a favorite grocery store. It rhymes with Broger's. I love this grocery.
*Cue the romantic music.*
The one closest to me is BIG and CLEAN and the people are NICE. And they have those race car carts that my boys love (not so much the adults) but the kids.
*Sigh.*
Just give me a moment.
Alas, but sometimes I have to go to the other grocery. Because my beloved favorite grocer does not have everything we love, I have to make a trip to the other one.
You know the one. I won't say the name. But let's just say it rhymes with Mall Fart. However, they do have a Neighborhood Mall Fart which isn't as bad as the ginormous Mall Fart.
So the other day, we all pack up and head to the other grocery.
Upon entering the store, we attempt to load the kids into the grocery cart. I say attempt to load them as Baby L loathes these carts because they are NOT the race car grocery carts. So Baby L decided to do his "stiff as a board" technique which is so awesome for trying to strap him in the cart.
And these are no tiny carts. These are those giant behemoth carts with the two seats facing each other at a diagonal in the front of the actual cart.
After about ten minutes of strong arming Baby L, I manage to strap him into his seat. I WIN.
But not really because he is screaming his tiny head off.
Meanwhile, J has been walking around. Picking up everything he can get his hands on, asking me about each item.
J is agreeable to getting into the cart when I ask him.
To squelch Baby L's tantrum, I quickly (or as quickly as one can with the ginormous cart that his difficult to maneuver) drive over to the bakery area. I franticly search for the donuts. I snatch up the little powdered donuts and give them to the boys.
Baby L quiets immediately as he is so happy he has his donuts. Both boys are enjoying their sugar bliss.
Eureka!
Moving through the store, I can now focus on my grocery list. As I move through the produce section, a guy walks up and squeezes in the small space between me and the produce aisle. All the while sighing like he's sooo exasperated.
Really dude? REALLY?
You have all this space to the left of me but you just have to squeeze in this little tiny space. I know you see me trying to steer this giant thing and all of the open twenty feet on the other side of me.
At this point, J tells me he is thirsty. I head to the dairy section, grab a chocolate milk, open it and give it to the kids to share.
After making it about halfway through the store, I pass an older couple who gives me the stink eye as I hand the kids another donut. This is like the fifth person who has given me the stink eye.
What?! You've never seen kids eating donuts and drinking chocolate milk in a store before? You think I'm not going to pay for this stuff? You think this cart is annoying? You think I shouldn't open food in the store?
Guess what lady?! My kids are happy and quiet, maybe even peaceful. This means we can focus on grocery shopping without all of the drama and maybe this time I'll actually get all of the items on my list.
PS lady, if this so called Mall Fart, gave free cookies to kids like another awesomely, fantastic grocery, I wouldn't have to bust out the donuts.
I don't think I care for your judgmental attitude lady. You can take it and CRAM IT IN YOUR CRAM CRAM.
*Smooths hair.*
Sorry, I got a little worked up there.
Okay, so there you have it. What a trip to the Neighborhood Mall Fart looks like with the Mossey family.
Wanna go with us next time? Come on! You know you want to.
Turning down the gravel road, I see an old sign in peeling green paint, attached to sturdy wooden posts that reads, "Camp Cowlick". Chuckling to myself, I think Yep, this name suits him. At the end of the road, I find myself staring at an old lodge.
Climbing off the bike and taking off my helmet, I say, "Wow! Look at this place."
I walk over to stand in front of the lodge to get a better look. Tilting my head back, I take in the enormity of the place. It's two stories tall with huge cedar logs and giant windows. You can tell it has been around for a while but it is still one of the most impressive places I have ever seen.
I turn my head around to see Jake is still sitting on the bike, helmet in hand. He is watching me as I take in this place. I can tell he is waiting for my reaction.
Smiling, I say, "Jake, this place is amazing! How did you find it?"
The smile he gives me lights up his whole face, like he was hoping that is what I would say. That smile. It's going to get me into SO much trouble. I just know it. He says, "This was a summer camp for boys. My brother and I used to go here when we were little." He shrugs. "I heard it was up for sale and decided to buy it."
"You bought this place?!" I ask, mouth agape. Whoa.
Jake laughs and says, "Close your mouth, Maddie. You'll catch flies."
Ignoring his comment, I state, "It's just such a huge place for one person. What are you going to do with all this room?"
He answers, "Well, actually, Micheal and Quinn live here too. They are helping me with the renovations. And as for the grounds and the cabins, well, I'll eventually get around to fixing those up to. I want to reopen this place one day."
Now I'm really floored. Okay, now THAT was surprising.
"You were right, Jake. This was definitely worth the drive." I say.
Walking towards me, pointing to the lodge, he smugly says, "I knew you'd love it." Oh you did, did you? "Come on. I'll show you around."
Unlocking the door, he swings it open as I follow him inside. To say I am blown away is an understatement.
I notice exposed wood beams on the ceiling and a large brick fireplace in the back of the great room. There's a flat screen TV over the fireplace, surrounded by two couches, with a leather armchair in the corner. There's the largest bear skin rug I've ever seen laying in the middle. Pictures of different wildlife pepper the walls. Looking down, I see pine wood floors, worn but beautiful.
Walking over to the couches, I say, "This place really is amazing, Jake. I can see you have put a lot of work into it."
He crosses his arms and says, "Well, this room has the giant TV so of course I had to work on this room first." He nudges me with his shoulder. "But, the rest of the house still needs a lot of work."
"Where to next?" I ask.
He leads me to the kitchen next which is right off the main room. "These cabinets need to be sanded, and refinished. I need to put in new counter tops, get new appliances."
"I love the island in the middle. It's huge!" I say. Hopping up on the counter, I joke, "This thing is big enough to have four people sleep side by side. If you run out of beds for the campers, a couple of them can sleep in the kitchen."
Laughing, he says, "I want to show you the best part." Reaching up, he places his hands on either side of my hips and helps me down from the counter.
Landing directly in front of Jake, I'm acutely aware that we are standing very close. Looking up at his face, I'm overcome by the the urge to run my fingers through his hair. I can feel my resolve starting to falter. His hands are still on my hips. His thumbs are moving in slow circles sending warm tingles down my legs. I think my legs are turning to jelly. Can that actually happen? This will be the first documented case.
Swallowing nervously, I say, "So, let's see the best part." Or we could just stay here.
Giving me that lop sided grin, he says, "Right." Stepping back, he heads out of the kitchen down the hallway. "Follow me." he tosses out over his shoulder. That's the problem. I think I WANT to follow you.
More with Maddie and Jake! Hope you are enjoying reading it as much as I am enjoying writing it!
