I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Teeth

Earlier in the week, I had to go to the dentist for a routine check-up.

I hate going to the dentist.

I never used to feel that way.  But since I have had a million cavities in the past couple of years and they use that horrible automatic scraper thingy (yes, it's the official term), I have come to hate it.

So after arriving at the dentist's office and taking my seat in the chair, the Dental Hygienist proceeds to take my blood pressure.

Dental Hygienist: Wow. Your blood pressure seems kind of high.

Me: Yeah. It's because I tend to get a little worked up thinking about that automatic scraper. It's like I can feel it all the way up in my brain.

Dental Hygienist: *Fake laugh to placate me which translates to, "This chick is crazy."*

She proceeds to begin to clean my teeth but pauses to say:

Dental Hygienist: I'm worried about your gums. Your bottom gums have a bunch of recession. You will probably need to go the Periodontist to have them cut the muscle on the bottom of your mouth or do a gum transplant from the skin on the top of your mouth.

Then she goes back to cleaning my teeth like it's no big deal.

WHAT THE ----?!?!?!

Um, excuse me, lady. Obviously, you do not know who you are dealing with.

You cannot just throw something like that out there as casual as talking about the weather, then proceed like nothing ever happened!

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO?!

I am a wigster. 

For those unfamiliar with the term, let me enlighten you.

A wigster is someone who gets worked up over lots of things and/or has a tendency to wig out at most things. See also me.

The minute she takes her hand out of my mouth, I start in with the questions.

To aid in easing my wigster tendencies, I like to have all of the information. I need to know everything, all of the details. It makes me feel better.

Me: What do you mean "cut the muscle" down there? Is that out-patient surgery? How does it work? What about the "gum transplant surgery"? Is that a long procedure? What all is involved?

Dental Hygienist: *Complete nonchalance.* I'm not really sure. You can ask the dentist when he gets over here.

This comment is followed by another helpful comment a few minutes later.

Me: Do I have coffee stains on my front teeth?

Dental Hygienist: No. Just your overall yellow stain.

OH NO YOU DIDN'T LADY?!

She previously mentioned that I should not use any whitening toothpaste because they use baking soda which is very rough on gums.

So let me understand.

You are saying that I may have to have gum transplant surgery AND you are telling me that my teeth are so yellow you can't believe they're not butter but I'm just going to have to deal, does that about sum it up?

If you took my blood pressure now, lady, I wonder how high it would be. It probably wouldn't even register.

Dentist: How are you today?

Me: *Gestures to Hygienist. Eyes wide as saucers.* Well, she tells me that I'll need to have gum transplant surgery so I'm currently freaking out.

Dentist: *Smiles at me. Pats me on the shoulder.* Well, I'll refer you to a Periodontist where he will take a look at your gums. He will decide what you need but I'm guessing it will be the cutting your muscle at the bottom of your mouth.

You're supposed to talk me down from the ledge, boss, not encourage me to jump.

I really hate going to the dentist.