Me and Eminem. We Are Cleaning Out Our Closets.

Typical conversation in the Mossey household:

Hubby: What is taking so long?

Me: I don't have anything to wear.

Hubby: You have a closet full of clothes.

Me: I know. But I don't have anything to wear.

Anyone else have this problem?

I have a large walk-in closest and most of this space is mine, along with an entire closet in our spare bedroom.

And all this space is filled with clothes. Lots and lots of clothes.

And DO NOT even get me started on the shoes. So may glorious, strappy heels that I used to wear for work, but I know that ship has sailed.

(Let's all take a moment of silence for the shoes.)

Clothes that I had when we first got married. Clothes that I wore when I worked. Clothes that I wore before kids. Clothes that I wore when pregnant. Clothes that I bought because I liked them at the time but now just sit in my closet.

These clothes are not being worn. They are just hanging there. Collecting dust.

As a reminder of my glory days? As a reminder of spur of the moment bad purchase? Who knows?!

The point is that it's time for them to go. 

Me and Eminem. We are cleaning out our closets.

I dove head first into this project. So far, I have taken 4 large trash bags full of clothes and a giant bin full of 20 pairs of shoes to Goodwill. (I know. This astounding large number of shoes may be upsetting to some. Go ahead. Take a minute.)

Seriously, what good is it doing in my closet? Answer: Nothing. So, I'm giving them to people who could use them.

All of the above mentioned things taken to Goodwill are only half of my walk-in closest amount. I know. It's insane. I still have a lot to go.

Cute suits for work? See ya!

Strappy sandals? Adios!

Clothes worn before I got married? Why are you still here?!

Maternity clothes? Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

In the end, I'll be left with the stuff I actually wear which will probably be my momiform of long sleeved t-shirts and jeans. 

I think I have 27 striped long sleeved t-shirts. I'm no fashionista but I'd say that it a crap load of striped shirts. Next purchase, I'm going to try and think outside of the box. Or outside of the stripes. Hahaha! Get it?! Because I said stripes instead of box.

*Crickets.*

Ahem.

As for future purchasing, I am going to give the purchase some serious thought before I buy it. Can I wear it with at least two other things in my closet? How often will I wear it? Do I love it, not just like it? What is the cost per wear (i.e. the cost of the item divided by how many times I wear it)?

Anyway, the point is that I will only have clothes in my closet I will actually wear. That's the point isn't it?

Up top, Eminem.

The Movie Matching Game: Take 2

Back in September, I wrote about some movie titles that sound like they could be about parenting.

While watching a new movie trailer, it got me thinking about other movie titles that could have been parenting movies. (Spielberg, call me.)

Night of The Living Dead - This movie would be about parenting a newborn. Because after a week of getting up in the middle of the night, you feel (and look) like the walking dead.

Psycho - This one is about 'The Terrible Twos'. Let's face it. Toddlers can be a bit cray cray. For instance, here's a sample of a conversation between me and Baby L. Baby L: Milk, mama. Milk. Me: You want milk? Baby L: No! MILK! Uh, isn't that what I just said? See, psycho!

The Usual Suspects -  Can find something? Discovered spilled chocolate milk? Legos thrown all over the living room? Just stepped on a dried chunk of Play-Doh left out overnight? I think we all know the culprits.

Memento - Remember how keen your memory was before kids? Grocery list?! Ha! You didn't need no stinking grocery list! You could go to the store, think about all of the things you needed and you bought them all WITHOUT A LIST. Now that you have kids? Well, let's just say you might want to set a reminder to brush your teeth or put pants on.
  
The Hunger Games - Know how your little ones only eat 12 things and none of them are good for them?  Well, this movie is about the battle of getting your kids to eat healthy. Getting them to eat their veggies. Maybe you can bribe them to eat their veggies by offering them dessert? (What?! I'm not above bribery, people!) 

Speed - Think you can leisurely go to the bathroom or take your time doing the dishes after you have kids? Wrong! After you have kids, you strive to become master of speed. You become the speediest pee-er, the speediest cleaner, the speediest toothbrusher, the speediest diaper changer. Get ready.

Clear and Present Danger - As a parent, you will be able to walk into a public place and within 20 seconds scan the entire area and assess the potential dangers to your child. And it's a good thing too! Because nine times out of ten, they will find all of them before you leave.

Tangled - I remember when Hubby and I got our king sized bed. It felt ginormous! Now, when one of the kids sleep in bed with us, it feels like the size of a postage stamp. And all of their sleep positions! Forget it! If your kid is like mine, they resemble a whirling dervish. Knee here, elbow there, head on your stomach, laying horizontally. You name it.

Sherlock Holmes - Your kids will lose everything. A lot. When they just had it 5 minutes ago. You will have to use your super sleuthing skills to locate said object. Don't be afraid to think outside of the box! The refrigerator? Why not?! The toilet? You bet! These items are often in the most unlikely places.

 

Life Is Beautiful - You know when you go into your kid's room to check on them while their sleeping? You gaze upon that sweet face, enveloped in dreams, snuggled under the covers, and your heart is so full of love for this little person that you helped to create. Yeah, that. Because our children really do make life beautiful.

 

This is by no means an exhaustive list (even though I am exhausted).

 

What do you guys think? Are there any movies titles that come to mind that could obviously be parenting movies? 

Are You There God? It's Me, Michelle.

Are you there God? It's me, Michelle.

Well, I guess it's been a while. 

See, I have been busy with these two little boys. They take up so much of my time. They want to make sure their wants and demands are met first before anyone else's. They sure are needy little people.

I don't fault them for that. They are little kids learning about life - what to say, what to do, and how to act. They are trying to discover themselves, the world and their place in it.

But I guess you know exactly how that feels.  

I only have two little people and they tire me out, whereas you have the entire planet and all the people on it. I cannot even imagine.

This week has been such a difficult week. There were bombings at the Boston Marathon, a fertilizer explosion in West, TX and further damage done in Boston by the same people.

Hearing about these horrible events was surreal. These sorts of things happen in other places. They don't happen in America. This can't be a regular occurrence in America.

There were many lives lost. So many people who were injured. So many lives that will be forever changed.

My heart is so heavy. It makes me so sad to think of the families who will never see their loved ones again. It breaks my heart to hear of people who were whole one day, then lost a limb the next. It saddens me to know that there are people out there filled with so much hate that they would kill others who think differently.

I bet some people wonder how you could let these things happen. I bet some of them even wonder if you are real.

As for me, I trust you. I believe you are real. I believe you love and care for those you created. I put my faith in you.

But I'm struggling. 

I'm struggling because I see these horrible events enacted by horrible people or painful errors that resulted in so many deaths. Doubt creeps in giving me pause.

You don't have to explain yourself to me. I am just one person on this giant spinning rock. And you, well, you are the Almighty. The Most High. The Alpha and The Omega. The great I Am.

So, I'm going to focus on what I know. Focus on what I believe in my heart to be true.

I believe the still small voice I hear sometimes is you speaking to my heart. I believe when I am looking for discernment as to which choice to make and it suddenly becomes clear that you are giving me a nudge in the right direction. I know these two beautiful boys you have loaned to me are the best gifts I have ever received and they make me want to be a better person. I know you are real because I see it in the arrival of Spring, in the miracles that are my children and in the kindness of strangers.

So, if it's not too much to ask, can you think of me today? Think of my family? My friends? Of America? Can you send us some of your comfort and grace? Surround us with your love?

This has been a rough week and I know we could all use it.

I Wish You Weren't Such A Liar

One morning this week, mom called to invite the boys and I to breakfast. Of course, I take her up on her offer because that means 1) I don't have to look at my messy kitchen and 2) I don't have to make breakfast.  

She shoots, she scores!

After taking what feels like forever to get ourselves ready, but in all likelyhood was probably just a few days, we finally get in the car and head over to get mom. When mom gets into the car, she asks where we'd like to go for breakfast. J immediately pipes up saying, "Waffle House!"

This sounds good to me. I mean, let's be honest. Who doesn't like the Waffle House?! It's just good clean fun. (Okay, maybe not that clean.) But they do have yummy waffles and coffee. Glorious coffee.

After eating an entire waffle, some (okay a lot) of bacon and several cups of coffee, we head to the mall to look for some kids shoes.

We look at a few stores for the boys shoes, but don't have any luck. Somehow we end up at a department store by the swimwear section.

Mom: Look at these cute bathing suits!

Me: *Nervously swallows.* Yeah. Some of them are cute.

Mom: Won't you need a new one for when we go to the beach?

Me: *Wipes brow.* I guess.

Mom: Why don't you go try on a few? I'll watch the boys.

Me: *Eyes darting around.* NOW? I don't know...

Mom: *Points to a hot pink Miraclesuit.* Try on that one. Isn't it cute? I think it would look great on you. Go ahead while you can!

Me: *Resigned.* It is really cute, mom. *Summons courage. Psyches self up.* Okay! I'll do it! I'll try it on!

While mom wonders off with the boys, I grab the bathing suit and head towards the dressing room. 

On my way there, I envision myself in the swimsuit. I can see me. I can see how fantastic I will look. I will look rapturous! I will look gorgeous! I will look like I did in college!

Once in the dressing room, I strip down in my skives. Reaching for the bathing suit, I peek at myself in the 3-way mirror. 

HOLY GUACAMOLE! Who installed 3-way mirrors?! Whose horrible idea was it in the first place to decide to put 3 mirrors in ONE STALL? Oh yes, we want you to be able to see your bigness from not one but THREE mirrors. What a sadist!

Okay, okay, okay. Shake it off, self! 

I'm going to try on this bathing suit and it is going to make me look like Heidi Klum (or more likely Helen Klum, Heidi's lesser known sister who is mom of two kids who had a pretty decent body before the crib midgets came along).

So, I shimmy into the bathing suit. Making sure that everything in tucked in and nothing is popping out. Now, I am ready to face myself in the mirror. I am ready to see myself returned to my former glory.

Glancing up, I look into the mirror.

CHEESE AND BISCUITS! What is that deal?! This isn't a Miraclesuit! I look exactly the same, except now I resemble a stuffed sausage.

GOOD NIGHT! 

If you could make my boobs look like they did in college or give me the J-Lo booty I never had, THAT would be a miracle. 

But this. 

Oh no, my friends. This ain't no miracle.

Miraclesuit, I wish you weren't such a liar.

I guess to be fair, one should not stuff themselves silly at the Waffle House before going to try on swimsuits, nor go with hairy legs that resemble Sasquatch. That can kind of kill the overall affect.

*Sigh.*

Back to the drawing board. I'm still on the hunt for that elusive perfect swimsuit.

If it exists, I will find it!

This has been a public service announcement.