Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Help Me, Help You

Let's say I have to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 on intelligence.  Ten is equivalent to a Rocket Scientist and one is equivalent to Patrick on Sponge Bob.

I'd rate myself a 7.

Now, lots of you will say, "Oh, come on, Michelle! You are clearly an 11!!"  But some of you will say, "Be serious, Michelle. You are more like a 4."

That's neither here, nor there.

The point is that I know I am not the sharpest tool in the shed but I am also not the dullest one either.

There are many things in this world that make sense to me. Things that I will look at and say, "Ahh, I see! I get it." But, there are also a bunch of things that I just don't understand.  Some things I notice and think, "Okay, I'm at a loss."

So you dear readers, maybe you can help me out a little. HELP ME, HELP YOU. Help me understand some of these mysteries of the universe. Or just let me know that I am not alone in understanding some of these crazy things out there in the world. 

  • When I have ten feet of open space to the left of me, but the person decides to squeeze through on the right side, between me, my giant race car grocery cart and the aisle. You don't want to be too comfortable walking around through so much space? You want to see if you can squish your giant frame in such a small space, taking as a personal challenge? What?
  • "I don't mean to be rude.." or "I don't want to tell you what to do..." or "I'm not trying to be mean..." Seriously? Who are you fooling? OF COURSE YOU MEAN TO SAY EXACTLY THAT but you don't want to look like a jerk. Why even say it?!
  • The fake balls hanging from the back of the truck. Really? This is going to help you get women? You think they look at your truck, thinking, "This is one CLASSY guy! I need those digits!"
  • Outside of the "no smoking" hospital, patients AND doctors are smoking. Yeah. I'll just leave it at that.
  • People that don't put their grocery carts back in the cart corral. Many years ago, when our car was brand new, we got hit in the side with a grocery cart that wasn't put away. It caused $500 worth of damage. It's not that far away, people! If I, who have the giant race car cart and two tiny kids, can put it away, so can you.
  • People that tailgate me through the neighborhood thinking I'll drive faster. Look, I get it. Or I think I do. You want to go faster. Who doesn't?! But see, here's the thing. There is a SPEED LIMIT and KIDS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
  • People I don't know getting up in my kids faces, trying to talk to them. Uh, hey, Grizzly Adams. My kids don't know you and they don't have to talk to you. See, there's this whole crazy rule that I teach my kids. Maybe you've heard of it? I tell them NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS.
  • Water chestnuts. Seriously. What do they add to the dish? Do they even have any nutritional value? THIS is how you know God has a sense of humor.
  • "How many vegetables do they eat a day?" asks the pediatrician. I'm sorry. I don't understand the question. See my kids are 2 and 4. They only like 10 things and they don't eat that half the time. Most meals, I want to split a Triscuit and call it a day.
If any of you have any insight to help me understand these mysteries of the universe, I'd love to hear it! What do you think? Are there things that confound you too?


  1. Like your first one, when you are at a playground with over 20 open spots and a mom with a minivan parks right next to you. And its the side with the car seat! I get it, I have an SUV and you think I should conform...but maybe automatic sliding doors aren't for me. Park one spot over, please! Or my door may 'kiss' yours while I try to wrangle my screaming toddler into his seat.

    1. Yes, Marcia! I know exactly what you mean. I don't understand it!
      Thanks for visiting! :)

  2. You crack me up!! I hate those carts... my kids love them, but it's like driving a germy houseboat. However, I DO always get it back to the corral, even if it's raining and I can't STAND when people leave theirs in the middle of the parking lot. We share a hatred of water chestnuts, too... Philip loves them. I can't understand why anyone would put them in anything. As far as the pediatrician, I was telling my MIL that I was worried about our 2 year old not giving up her bottle. She has 6 kids and told me that she used to take the bottle out of her 3 year old kid's mouth on the way into the ped and tell him that if he'd just keep quiet about the bottle, he could have it back as soon as they left. I don't even know which kid it was, because none of her adult children drinks a bottle (they've switched to beer:). Really, if they're a pediatrician, they should already know the answers to 90% of their questions.

    1. Heidi, a germy houseboat! What a spot on accurate description of those race car grocery carts!
      As for the whole bottle thing, don't sweat it! Parenting can be challenging and we just have to pick our battles. You're doing great! :)


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