A Conversation With My Dad

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and afterwards you wondered what the heck you were even talking about?

Maybe they kept hopping from topic to topic? 

Maybe they were mispronouncing words?

Maybe they spoke in catchphrases?

Enter a conversation with my dad.

Let me first preface this by saying I love my dad.

He is funny (dad jokes for DAYS), sensitive (cries at movies) and friendly (talks to everyone like they are old friends).

But talking to him on the phone can drive a person insane.

If they weren't already.

But *ahem* we aren't talking about me.

Anyway, here is how our conversation went the other day.

*Ring, ring.*

Me: Hello.

Dad:  Hey, Shelly!

Me: Hi Dad. How are you?

Dad: Oh, you know.  We're hanging in there. Making do. How are you and the boys?

Me: We're good. Just figuring out our new normal for right now. How to work from home and school from home. 

Dad: *Chuckles.* Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Me: What have you been up to?

Dad: Well, I've been looking into some things. Trying to figure some things out. Doing a little research.

Me: Have you called an electrician to take a look at your stove?

Dad: No, we've been kind of busy with a few things but it's on my to do list.

Me: How about your groceries? Do you guys have enough supplies?

Dad:  We're getting by. I'll open the fridge and see what we've got and throw some things together.

Me: So you're good for supplies then?

Dad:  We're making it work. Putting things together. A little of this, a little of that.

Dad: So Shelly, have you seen anything good on Netflix lately? (Side note: My dad is the only person who can call me Shelly and get away with it. Don't. Even. Think. About. It.)

Me: Yeah. I watched The Witcher and the boys and I watched Escape from Mr. Lemoncello's Library.  It was pretty cute.  What about you?

Dad:  Well, we watched this movie the other night about a secret agent, or maybe a detective. He had to fight the bad guys and figure the mystery out. He had a partner. Oh, I forget the name. Do you know which one I'm talking about?

Me: Um, no, Dad.  I'm not sure. Sounds good. (As he has literally described the plot to about 80% of all movies in the history of movies.)

Dad: Thanks again for bringing over the groceries. You really didn't have to do that.

Me: No problem, Dad.  I'm happy to do it.

Dad: But, um, Shelly, what was in that bowl you gave me?

Me: Dad, it is taco soup.

Dad: Oh, okay. What's in it?

Me:  Uh, taco soup.

Dad: *Chuckles.* Oh, okay, smarty pants. I'll put you on my list. I'll remember that.

Me: *Laughing.* I think you'll like it. I had several bowls.

Me: Anything else going on?

Dad:  Well, I have been going online trying to figure this thing out. The insurance company screwed things up. *Sighs.* It's a LONG story.

Me: Um, are you talking about your car insurance?

Dad: Yes. I've been trying to to get things right and I finally got a hold of them. But they said they just - ah - *sigh*. I had to go online and dig and dig and dig. Now, I'm trying to get things straightened out. *Sighs again.* It's just a LONG story. (Side note: EVERYTHING with my dad is a long story. If he ever said it was a short story, my heart would stop from the shock.)

Me: That sounds rough. (Because I am not really sure what he is saying and it sounds like the right response.)

Dad: *Sighs one more time.* You have no idea. (Said very dramatically.) 

Me: Dad, have you finished wiping everything down? Making sure to Clorox all handles, light switches, counter tops, door knobs and remotes?

Dad: We're working on it. We've almost got it done. We're getting there. (Side note: We are FOUR weeks into quarantine and my dad lives in a TWO bedroom duplex. *Blinks.* )

*Yelling in the background.*

Me:  Dad, that's my cue! I'm going to have to go.  I'll talk to you later.

Dad:  Okay. Talk to you later. Love you!

Me: Love you! Bye.

See what I mean?!?!?

WHAT EVEN HAPPENED?!

What was our conversation even about?!

No one knows.

I guess it's a long story.

Maybe I Do Need Buttermilk

A few weeks ago, I came across several tweets on my Twitter feed of people in Australia who were buying up all of the toilet paper.  Like all of it everywhere. In their entire country.

*Blinks.*

So at first, I laugh this off.

*Snort.* 

This is so crazy!  Why are they taking all of the toilet paper?!  Bad bowels isn't even one of the symptoms of the Coronavirus. Are they worried they will get hit with a bad case of the squirts?

*Chuckles.*

That is just insane.  I mean of ALL of the things to be worried about. 

TP is at the top of your list?

*Laughs loud. Laughs quieter. Sighs. Clears throat.*

But then I started thinking, do the Australians know something that I don't know?!  Like there is a TP Apocalypse on the horizon? Are they privy to some highly classified information that we Americans don't know?!

So I did the only reasonable thing.

Okay.

Maybe it wasn't the reasonable thing. But it helped to calm my anxiety, so let's just go with that.

I went and bought a ton of TP.

I mean, I am not going to be the only person out there with no TP!

However I do remember learning from one my of my kids' TV shows that if there are "leaves of three, let it be". So if I need to go searching for leaves outside, I can make sure and not get the itchy ones.  Thanks, PBS.

I am what marketing folks would call "highly suggestible".

If I see someone buying a cute pink short at Loft, then I maybe I need to try on that shirt.

If you order a burger and fries, well that sounds WAY better than what I was going to order so I'll get that too.

If you are buying up all of the TP, then I am going to be buying all the TP.

So when I was at Kroger the other day, grabbing some supplies to hole up inside for a couple of days, I made sure to get some TP.

And as I was walking through the aisles, I grabbed some things I may need.

Here's the thing: If you are a certified "wigster" like myself (i.e. someone who wigs out a lot) and someone who is highly suggestible, then when something like the Coronavirus goes down, You, Lose. Your. Mind.

Plodding through the frozen food aisle, I look at all of the frozen meat and wonder, "Do I need 47 chicken breasts?" "How many are enough chicken breasts?" "MAYBE I NEED 47 CHICKEN BREASTS!"

Into the cart they go.

Strolling by to grab some butter, I see some buttermilk.  "Do I need buttermilk?" What if I want to make some biscuits and I HAVE NO BUTTERMILK?!"

MAYBE I DO NEED BUTTERMILK!

Yeah, that went into the cart too.

Walking by the cheese section, honestly, I can't even tell you what happened.  I think I just blacked out and $50 later, I went on my merry way.

I am just not sure what I will need. I don't want to be caught without things I need.

After I get home, I call my mom to tell her about my shopping experience.

In summary, she is laughing at me and keeps asking me "Why did you get the buttermilk? When was the last time you made biscuits?"

Look, I don't remember when the last time I made biscuits, or if I ever have. But who knows?!  I might need it. What if I have an overwhelming desire to make mouth watering biscuits.

Better to be safe.

Let this be a cautionary tale.

Do not be like me and be easily talked into buying things that you don't need.  Be reasonable. Think about things you will actually need. Take a reasonable amount.

Except for the buttermilk.

Don't forget the buttermilk.

Time Is A Tricky Thing

Time is a tricky thing.  Is it not?

While you are in it, it seems to move at a turtle's pace. Or you are wishing it away for the weekend or a vacation or a holiday.

When you stop to look back, it seems to speed up at light speed, making you wonder how it went by so quickly.

In hindsight, you can see all of the things that that you could have done differently or things that would have worked out if you were brave enough to do x, y or z.

When we do this, we can often get wrapped up in "shoulds", "coulds" or "woulds". We can start to doubt ourselves or beat ourselves up for things we did or didn't do.

The thing is...it's okay.

It's okay that things didn't go the way you thought they would.

It's okay that you were scared to try something new.

It's okay that you were brave and tried something new, only for it to blow up in your face.

It's okay that you got your feelings hurt or your heart broken.

*Stay with me. I'm bringing it back around.*

It's okay because look where you are today.

Look at who you are today.

These experiences that time has taught us - the good and the bad - have made us who we are meant to be.  It has helped shape our character and our own story.  It has helped us to be stronger versions of ourselves.

This is what I try to remind myself when time has not been the kindest to me.

That I am stronger for the bad or sad things that happen.

That I can use my own failures to help someone else along their life journey.

That I am staring time in the face and I am not afraid.

This post has been a long time coming.  Lots of things have changed in these past two years.  Some good. Some bad. Some amazing. Some sad.

But I find myself here.  And I'm okay.

I'm better than I have been in a long time.

And I can look back and say with confidence that "it's okay".

Time is a tricky thing.

It's Easier And It's More Difficult

Remember when you were about to be a new parent for the first time?

Remember how excited, worried, anxious, happy you were?

Remember how hard you thought it was to get up every two hours to feed your little one?

Or how you often forgot to bathe until people passed out when they got close too you?

Or how you had a love/hate relationships with the stretchy hospital underwear?

When our kids are young, we are often told that things will get easier as our kids get older.

Yes, you get more sleep. *Unless they crawl in bed with you and elbow you in the neck in the middle of the night.*

Yes, they can go to the bathroom and wipe their own butt by themselves. *Cue the Hallelujah chorus.*

Yes, they can get their own snack. *No, you cannot eat an entire box of Goldfish.*

Yes, they can start to do their own chores, like make their bed. *Sort of.*

Yes, they start school so you can have more time to get things done. *Why is there stuff everywhere? You've only been home for 10 minutes.*

All of these things are true.

In a sense, it does get easier.

And yet...I think it's more difficult.

It is more difficult because you are sending your kids into the world. 

You hope that their teachers, educators and coaches will love them as much as you do.

You trust that your kids will be able to problem solve for themselves and make the right choices.

You send them out there to experience life without you.

But sometimes those life experiences can be difficult. They can be challenging. They can be painful.

When your child realizes that not all people are nice. That there really are jerks in the world.

When your child realizes that they have to push past the butterflies in their stomach and resolve their own conflict.

When your child realizes that not everyone wants to be their friend.

When your child realizes they are not the best at something they once thought to be true.

When your child struggles to understand something taught in class and they wonder if they can do it.

I believe that these days are the hardest, the most difficult, the most challenging - not just for the kids, but for parents too.

Because we parents know that our children have to experience these things. They have to learn what it is like to solve their own problems, to figure out what motivates them, to build their self-confidence and to figure out their place in the world.

This can be hard and painful. Because when I see my child hurting or struggling, I want to swoop in and fix it. My instinct it to try and make everything right.

But I know this is something they have to learn for themselves.

That is what children are called to do.

Learn and grow.

And the kids aren't the only ones growing.

The Mysteries Of The Universe Solved!

Okay.

I lied.

I do not really solve the mysteries of the universe. I just wanted to draw you in.

The old bait and switch technique - which is really quite genius of whoever came up with this idea.

*Crickets.*

So anyway...I have been a stay-at-home mom since my kids were born. (Most of you know this. But to the new one person who accidentally stumbled onto this blog, this is for you. You're welcome.)

Now that both boys are fully settled in school, I thought about starting back to work part-time.

I remember mentioning it to my mom during our phone conversation last summer.

Me: I think I might go back to work part-time while the kids are in school.

Mom: That's a great idea!

Me: You know what would be fun? Working at a women's clothing store!

Mom: No.

Me: Why not? You would get a HUGE discount. You could shop while working!

Mom: You would have to work weekends.

Me: Right. Weekends are sacred days of lounging in PJ's and kid cuddles. Excellent point.

Mom: I have the perfect job for you. One you would be great at - substitute teaching!

Me: ...

Mom: You have your Master's degree in Education.

Me: It's Higher Education, mom. College kids.

Mom: Well, you are great with your kids. You are so patient. You have the patience of Job.

Me: Um, have you been around me and my children?

Mom: They'll love you. You'll be great.

Me: I'm not sure...

Obviously, some of my finer parenting skills are letting them have cereal for dinner, playing video games until their eyes bleed and pretending not to hear them yell for me when I'm in the bathroom. (Actually, none of these things are true. Except the last part. Can't a person simply empty their bladder in silence?!) 

These skills will clearly be super helpful when it comes to substitute teaching.

So after casually bring it up in every conversation over the next several months, my mom convinced me to apply.

The principal contacted me about a long term sub position that would last 8 weeks filling in for a special education paraeducator.

I remember driving to school that day wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into.

Fortunately for me, the first day was shadowing the person who I was going to be subbing for. I got to learn her schedule and meet all of the kids. I was introduced to all of the teachers and staff. There was a lot to learn and a lot going on. The kids were so cute and each one had a different plan that worked for them. It was super busy and a big responsibility.

And I LOVED it.

When my 8 weeks started to come to a close, I was so sad I had to leave everyone at the school.  I got lots of hugs and a lot of we'll miss yous.

I know. I know.

You're probably thinking, "Why is Michelle being so dramatic? She can still sub anytime she wants."

Touche.

But it's not the same.

*Sniff.*

So I enjoyed my weekend, then come Sunday evening I got a text to sub on Monday.

They love me.

They really love me.

It Doesn't Matter How You Get There Just That You Arrived

Me and my little guys

Many years ago, I was diagnosed with Graves' Disease.  For those of you not familiar, Graves' Disease is an autoimmune disease that affects the thyroid.  It is basically a ridiculously overactive thyroid.  My thyroid was the Arnold Schwarzenegger version of thyroids. (Admit it. You're doing the Arnold voice in your head right now.)

While my doctor was treating me with medication, he explained that I should not get pregnant during this time because it would be considered a high risk pregnancy.  He went on to say that even if my thyroid levels were at normal levels in the future that I may have trouble with my thyroid putting me at high risk if I ever got pregnant.

To say this news was troubling would be putting it mildly.  When I was diagnosed, we were newlyweds so we were not yet thinking about children. 

But let's be honest. 

After I said, "I do", I constantly dreamed of the day when I would be pregnant, when we would have children of our own.

For the next couple of years, we worked on establishing our careers and obtaining our Master's degrees.  We built a big, beautiful house.  We had a little beagle named JJ who was the sweetest dog ever.

Life was good.  We had a good life.  Things were going well for us.

However, I am not going to lie.  I wanted to have a baby.  I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted that little person to be part of me and part of my husband.  

What I didn't want was to talk about it.  If I talked about and said it out loud, then it would confirm what I already was thinking.  I could not get pregnant.

So, miracle of all miracles, I became pregnant six years after getting my thyroid under control.  Then, thirteen months later, I was pregnant with my second little guy. To say we were shocked would be the understatement of the year!

We were going to have a baby.  I was going to be a mom.  Words cannot describe it. 

Elated. Ecstatic. Excited. Scared. Hopeful.

Some moms are not as blessed as I am.  Some moms have to have help getting pregnant.

To those moms who are undergoing artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization. Your commitment and endurance is inspiring.

To those moms who have adopted children.  Your willingness to open your hearts and your homes to a child is a testament to the warmth of the human spirit.

To those moms who have lost their children.  Your courage to persevere after walking though what I imagine is the shadow-of-the-valley-of-death gives me the strength to face my hardest of times.

It doesn't matter if you are a mom for five minutes or for eighty years.  It doesn't matter if you are a mom to one child or twenty.  It doesn't matter if you have kids via natural birth or via c-section.

At the end of the journey, the result is the same.

You are a mom.

It doesn't matter how you get there, just that you arrived.

Winter Vs. Spring Smackdown

*Alarm goes off. Hits snooze.*

*Alarm goes off again. Stumbles out of bed. Heads downstairs.*

*Turns on coffee maker.*

Jack Frost: Morning!

Me: *Yawns.* Hey.

Jack Frost: Ready for the day?

Me: *Reaches for coffee mug.* Ready as I'll ever be.

Jack Frost: Yeah, I know it can be hard to get yourself going in the winter.

Allergies: *Snort.* Winter?! It's 50 degrees outside.

Me: *Starts. Chokes on coffee.* What are you doing here?

Allergies: What am I doing here? I'm ALWAYS here.

Jack Frost: Yeah. Like a bad rash. You won't go away.

Allergies: You're one to talk, Mr. Nobody Is As Cool As Me.

Jack Frost: Well, they aren't.

Me: *Looks between the two.* Why are you both here?

Allergies: ...

Jack Frost: ...

Me: *Rubs temples.* I mean what are you doing here at the same time?

Jack Frost: It's February. It's traditionally part of winter. Maybe you learned about it kindergarten?

Me: Hilarious.

Jack Frost: I know. I'm a riot.

Me: *Looks to Allergies.* And you?

Allergies: It's 50 degrees.

Me: So?

Allergies: *Eye roll.* 50 degrees is Springtime weather. Time for things to grow and blossom. Maybe you've heard of the four seasons?

Me: But it's February.

Jack Frost: EXACTLY. I could make it snow and freeze anytime I want. Then your precious blooms would be toast.

Allergies: You can try. But I don't scare easily.

Me: *Sips coffee.* That's a good point. Why hasn't it been very cold? What have you been up to, Jack?

Jack Frost: I've been busy.

Me: Doing what?

Allergies: *Crosses arms.* This ought to be good.

Jack Frost: *Rubs back of the neck.* Well, the thing is... around Christmastime I was bored so I signed up for Netflix. I started watching The Walking Dead, then Supernatural. Then, the Easter Bunny told me about Pokemon Go and -

Me: THAT is why we haven't had much of a winter?!

Allergies: *Throws hands up in the air.* Unbelievable. You do not take your job seriously. I, on the other hand, am completely dedicated to the job. I work 24/7.

Jack Frost: Oh please. Get off your high horse. Nobody likes you.

Allergies: You are just jealous because I always win 'Employee of the Month' Award. You don't even work a full year!

Jack Frost: You are just mad because everyone loves me. They love sledding, snow ball fights, building snowmen. Everyone prays for a snow day.

Allergies: Do they also love freezing their as-

Me: Whoa, whoa! Let's all just calm down.

Jack Frost: *Glares at Allergies.*

Allergies: *Glares at Jack Frost.*

Me: *Pinches the bridge of nose.* Listen up, it is too early in the morning to deal with this crap. I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee!

Jack Frost : *Blushes.*

Allergies: *Hangs head.*

Me: Look. Jack, take a break from Netflix. And Pokemon Go. You have a job to do and you need to get to it. You only have a few weeks left, You can do it.

Jack Frost: You're right! I have been slacking on the job. I'm going to get back to it right away.

Me: And Allergies, why don't you take a break? You deserve a vacation! Seriously! When was the last time you took a vacation? You could go to Universal Studios and see Jurassic Park. I know you have a thing for T-Rexes. C'mon. What do you say?

Allergies: I do love me some dinosaurs...

Me: *Claps.* Excellent! Now, get the heck out of my kitchen so I can enjoy my coffee in piece. And if I see you both again at the same time, I'm going to totally Hulk out on you.

Hey Webster! Your Definition Is Wrong

In school, you learn how to spell words and the meanings of those words. You are taught how to use the dictionary to define words. You are told that the definitions will always remain the same.

FALSE.

See, after having kids, your definition of certain words changes. You think you have a good grasp of the English language.

But you would be wrong.

Dressing Up

Before Kids: Doing your hair by blow drying and flat ironing. Putting on your full face of make-up. Taking 20 minutes to find just the right outfit to wear.

After kids: Making sure to put on a bra. Actually brush your hair. And your teeth. Putting on a pair of clean-ish jeans.

Fancy Dinner 

Before Kids: Going to a new trendy restaurant that opened downtown. 7pm reservations. White linen tablecloths. Leisurely enjoy a cocktail and appetizer while considering which entree to order. Finish meal with decadent dessert.

After Kids: Mac-n-cheese at home. Promptly at 5:00pm because the natives get restless. With a glass of wine.

 Tired

Before Kids: Wow! Had a great time out with my friends last night but stayed out too late and had too many glasses of wine. I sure am tired.

After Kids: Up every two hours. Then up every four hours. Then up once a night. Some tiny person wants to crawl in bed with you and sleep with their feet in your spleen. Some tiny person peed the bed. You haven't slept through the night in seven years. Where am I? What is happening?


Coffee 

Before Kids: Maybe I'll have a caramel cappuccino. Oh! Or a white mocha. I just love those fancy coffee drinks!

After Kids:  Must. Have. Coffee. Cofffffeeeee... *Dumps coffee grinds directly into mouth.*

Going To The Bathroom 

Before Kids: I think I'll go to the bathroom.

After Kids: *Goes to the bathroom. Naively locks door. Child or children bang on door repeatedly crying and yelling to get your attention. Next time you open the door thinking this approach is better. You get your kid wanting to climb onto your lap to read you a book. Or a play-by-play commentary on your bathroom uses.*

Date Night

Before Kids: Nice dinner and maybe a movie.  Out with a group of friends for drinks and dancing. Going to show or a concert.

After Kids: When kids are asleep, sitting in bed eating cereal while watching Netflix.

So I don't know about you, but I think a ton of definitions have changed after having kids. I mean I could literally write down at least 50 definitions that are no longer valid right now.

And I would totally write more about it.

But I'm exhausted.







 

 

The Walking Dead Hurts So Good

After the last episode of season 6 of The Walking Dead, I was so distraught. 

And numb.

And in denial.

Total denial.

I was all "Hey! It's going to be okay. Surely nobody is really dead. They wouldn't just leave us hanging for AN ENTIRE SUMMER."

Then I started to venture into anger.

"Who do these chumps think they are?! Leaving us hanging all summer to find out what happened to Rick and the crew. HAVE YOU NO SOUL?!"

Now, three days away from the season 7 premiere, I have reached acceptance.

"Okay, I get it. It's a post-apocalyptic world. Not everyone is going to make it. I don't like it and it rips me up inside, but I understand it."

*Sigh.*

So over the summer, I was wondering what the heck I was going to watch while The Walking Dead is on hiatus. 

Enter Netflix.

We signed up for a free trial over the summer.

The boys LOVED that they had all their TV shows and some new ones that they could watch at any time.

All my friends kept telling me about the gloriousness of watching a TV series on Netflix so I decided to check it out.

My first choice was Breaking Bad. I didn't watch past the first episode.

I didn't like it.

WAIT. Don't throw things at me!

For my next choice, I did a little more investigating and choose a cult favorite, Supernatural.

People. People. People. PEOPLE.

This show is amazing.

I get it. I get the cult following. I totally get it.

The plot line is interesting. They hunt supernatural creatures. There is a strong sense of family on the show. There is snarkiness and alpha maleness.

And there's the brothers, Sam and Dean.

Oh, Sam and Dean.

Sigh.

Give me a minute.

Or several.

If you have never watched Supernatural, you need to stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY and go watch it.

You're welcome.

And if that is not enough for you, Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays John Winchester, Sam and Dean's dad.

Which - if I'm being honest - my brain is having a hard time with.

John Winchester in Supernatural plays a good guy, stern, loving, albeit-misguided-at-times father who hunts all things supernaturally evil and plays Negan in The Walking Dead, bat-wielding ultra-psycho with a penchant for bashing in heads.

Does. Not. Compute.

So The Walking Dead starts back up again tonight. And I know one of my favorite characters will bite the dust.

I know beloved characters have bit the dust in the past.

That is what happens in a zombie ridden world.

But it cuts. It cuts deep.

The Walking Dead hurts so good.

However, it is a HUGE comfort to know that Supernatural will be there to console me.

Hold me, Sam and Dean.