I Wish You Weren't Such A Liar

One morning this week, mom called to invite the boys and I to breakfast. Of course, I take her up on her offer because that means 1) I don't have to look at my messy kitchen and 2) I don't have to make breakfast.  

She shoots, she scores!

After taking what feels like forever to get ourselves ready, but in all likelyhood was probably just a few days, we finally get in the car and head over to get mom. When mom gets into the car, she asks where we'd like to go for breakfast. J immediately pipes up saying, "Waffle House!"

This sounds good to me. I mean, let's be honest. Who doesn't like the Waffle House?! It's just good clean fun. (Okay, maybe not that clean.) But they do have yummy waffles and coffee. Glorious coffee.

After eating an entire waffle, some (okay a lot) of bacon and several cups of coffee, we head to the mall to look for some kids shoes.

We look at a few stores for the boys shoes, but don't have any luck. Somehow we end up at a department store by the swimwear section.

Mom: Look at these cute bathing suits!

Me: *Nervously swallows.* Yeah. Some of them are cute.

Mom: Won't you need a new one for when we go to the beach?

Me: *Wipes brow.* I guess.

Mom: Why don't you go try on a few? I'll watch the boys.

Me: *Eyes darting around.* NOW? I don't know...

Mom: *Points to a hot pink Miraclesuit.* Try on that one. Isn't it cute? I think it would look great on you. Go ahead while you can!

Me: *Resigned.* It is really cute, mom. *Summons courage. Psyches self up.* Okay! I'll do it! I'll try it on!

While mom wonders off with the boys, I grab the bathing suit and head towards the dressing room. 

On my way there, I envision myself in the swimsuit. I can see me. I can see how fantastic I will look. I will look rapturous! I will look gorgeous! I will look like I did in college!

Once in the dressing room, I strip down in my skives. Reaching for the bathing suit, I peek at myself in the 3-way mirror. 

HOLY GUACAMOLE! Who installed 3-way mirrors?! Whose horrible idea was it in the first place to decide to put 3 mirrors in ONE STALL? Oh yes, we want you to be able to see your bigness from not one but THREE mirrors. What a sadist!

Okay, okay, okay. Shake it off, self! 

I'm going to try on this bathing suit and it is going to make me look like Heidi Klum (or more likely Helen Klum, Heidi's lesser known sister who is mom of two kids who had a pretty decent body before the crib midgets came along).

So, I shimmy into the bathing suit. Making sure that everything in tucked in and nothing is popping out. Now, I am ready to face myself in the mirror. I am ready to see myself returned to my former glory.

Glancing up, I look into the mirror.

CHEESE AND BISCUITS! What is that deal?! This isn't a Miraclesuit! I look exactly the same, except now I resemble a stuffed sausage.

GOOD NIGHT! 

If you could make my boobs look like they did in college or give me the J-Lo booty I never had, THAT would be a miracle. 

But this. 

Oh no, my friends. This ain't no miracle.

Miraclesuit, I wish you weren't such a liar.

I guess to be fair, one should not stuff themselves silly at the Waffle House before going to try on swimsuits, nor go with hairy legs that resemble Sasquatch. That can kind of kill the overall affect.

*Sigh.*

Back to the drawing board. I'm still on the hunt for that elusive perfect swimsuit.

If it exists, I will find it!

This has been a public service announcement.